MICHAEL: Hello Claywoman, thank you so much for doing this interview.

CLAYWOMAN: Hello Michael. It’s really such a pleasure to speak with you and the Buds Digest community. 

MICHAEL: Honestly, it’s so nice to finally speak with you too. I know your schedule has been incredibly busy and it takes a lot of technical expertise to set up this kind of connection between Earth and The Mirillion Galaxy. I hope it wasn’t too much trouble. 

CLAYWOMAN: I am also very glad we finally made this work. It really wasn’t much trouble setting up the connection at all. My assistant Keltra is an expert at intergalactic communication.  And of course, apologies that my schedule has been so erratic.

MICHAEL: Oh, no. That’s quite alright. It’s been a crazy year for everyone. I’m not sure if most Buds Digest readers know that you are over 500 million years old - you look amazing by the way - and come from the Mirillion Galaxy. I figured it would be good to start with a bit of information.

CLAYWOMAN: It’s always good to establish the basic facts.

MICHAEL: What else can you tell the readers about yourself? 

CLAYWOMAN: I really love water. As a beverage it is truly unparalleled in its elegance and simplicity.

MICHAEL: We humans find it pretty essential as well.

CLAYWOMAN: It has this beautiful, clear, stillness to it.

MICHAEL: Iconic, right? 

CLAYWOMAN: I’m actually having a little sip as we speak.

MICHAEL: I love that. Have you been to Earth recently?

CLAYWOMAN: It’s been over a year. I haven’t been allowed in because of your pandemic. I’m not upset about it, though. I fully appreciate the dangers of intergalactic variants.

MICHAEL: We really can’t be too careful. I didn’t realize they had border control in space. It’s changed a lot down here. Are you still broadcasting your shows from Mirillion?

CLAYWOMAN: Yes, actually. It’s a podcast we do about once a month. I’ve been able to speak with so many fascinating Earthlings; John Early, Professor Catherine Liu and the wonderful playwright Michael R. Jackson, to name a few.  

MICHAEL: That sounds wonderful! I’ll have to check it out. Now, where do you usually stay when you come to Earth? A hotel?

CLAYWOMAN: No, I usually stay with my friend Elizabeth. Elizabeth Consteltanelte. She has a nice apartment on 2nd Avenue. 

MICHAEL: Oh funny, I live in the East Village too. How do you know Elizabeth?

CLAYWOMAN: I actually met her on a trip to Earth in the early 1960’s. She was a child then, but extremely precocious. She came all by herself to my lecture at Hunter College and asked several provocative questions during the Q&A. I was impressed, so I asked her to tea afterwards and we’ve been friends ever since.

MICHAEL: Wow, what did she ask?

CLAYWOMAN: I can’t say… legal reasons. 

MICHAEL: Do you stay with Elizabeth even if your engagements are in another city besides New York?

CLAYWOMAN: Well, I usually make New York the focal point of my recent visits but I have other friends in selected cities.

MICHAEL: Where else do you like to visit while on Earth?

CLAYWOMAN: I always try to stop in Calgary. I still haven’t figured out why exactly but I have almost a compulsion to schedule a few nights there whenever I can. 

MICHAEL: Since we Earthlings are coming out of a period of isolation, should we expect to have trouble reintegrating in person socializing into our lives? Did you ever have to do this and did you experience any anxiety reintegrating?

CLAYWOMAN: It will be difficult but not if you remember to practice dissociating. I began practicing dissociating millions of years ago and I find it incredibly helpful for reintegration. As well as for when someone is speaking at length about standpoint theory.

MICHAEL: Interesting, is that like meditation?

CLAYWOMAN: It’s similar but it’s much more difficult to remember extensive choreography right after. So, I wouldn’t recommend doing it before a dance recital, for example.

MICHAEL: 500 Million years is a long time and I imagine you might have built up some resentments along the way. Do they fade over time or are you still stewing about something someone said to you 400 million years ago?

CLAYWOMAN: For the most part I’ve either forgotten or let go of the past except for an argument with my friend Maria I will never forget…

MICHAEL: Oh, do tell...

CLAYWOMAN: I was just about to travel back to Earth for the second time, ever. I was so excited to see what was happening since on my first visit, when I saw the very beginnings of multicellular life, and I couldn’t wait to see what it was developing into. Yet just as I was getting into my cart, my friend Maria who had been very upset I hadn’t invited her along, launched into a lengthy verbal critique of the way I explained Earth on the local Mirillion Media.  She said I had made it seem like no one else was welcome to visit Earth. Now, there is some truth to this, but it’s mostly that I didn’t want Maria going to Earth and making it all about her.  In any case, it was not the right time to lecture me about all this as I was seconds from launching the cart. As you can tell, I still think about this.  

MICHAEL: It’s so upsetting when you just want to enjoy a new planet and your high maintenance friend has to make it all about them.

CLAYWOMAN: You’ve enjoyed another planet?

MICHAEL: No I’m just imagining what that would be like.

CLAYWOMAN: Well, let me tell you, however many you visit, it never gets old.

MICHAEL: Can you tell us about seeing Earth during the beginnings of multicellular life? That must have been amazing…

CLAYWOMAN: It was just so exciting. It was the first time I’ve been able to observe such a thing. The only things around were some extremely tiny creatures. I just stared at them for hours at a time. In that moment you can’t help imagining what it’ll all become. It could have amounted to nothing much. Everything had to go just right and now I’m speaking to one of the products of that process…   

MICHAEL: It’s pretty awe inspiring when you put it that way.

CLAYWOMAN: It is, isn’t it?

MICHAEL: How about some rapid fire questions?

CLAYWOMAN: Sure. 

MICHAEL: What’s the worst job you’ve had in your 500 million years?

CLAYWOMAN: Sand.

MICHAEL: Excuse me?

CLAYWOMAN: When I was younger, there was a shortage of sand, so a lot of us had to take summer jobs as grains of sand in an extremely large beach. It was so large that the grains were as large as I am or you are. It wasn’t exploitative or anything, just unbelievably tedious.

MICHAEL: Yeah, that sounds terrible.

CLAYWOMAN: Don’t get me started. 

MICHAEL: How do you spend a typical day?

CLAYWOMAN: I usually pretend I’m awake for a while before I get up and then make some sound cakes to listen to while I’m talking about eating them. How about you?

MICHAEL: I usually get coffee as soon as possible and then play with my cat and then worry about what to do next.

CLAYWOMAN: You should try sound cakes...

MICHAEL: Where can I get some?

CLAYWOMAN: Oh, actually I don’t think that’s even possible. Nevermind.

MICHAEL: Do you have any favorite Earth Music?

CLAYWOMAN: Hands down, Captain and Tennille. 

MICHAEL: Would you consider running for mayor of New York City?

CLAYWOMAN: No

MICHAEL: What is your least favorite thing about Earth?

CLAYWOMAN: Sand. It probably has something to do with bad experiences in my past.

MICHAEL: Have you ever seen the NASA Golden Record floating through space?

CLAYWOMAN: Oh, yes I have. I keep wanting to grab it and bring it back with me but that would be so rude. I mean I suppose I am it’s intended audience but I keep thinking it’s for some other being to find. In any case, I think it’s really sweet. 

MICHAEL: Yeah, I always wondered if you…what are you doing?  

CLAYWOMAN: What do you mean?  

MICHAEL: Well you seem to be tapping your finger on the side of your cane.  

CLAYWOMAN: Oh, I just do that to keep the radios working.  

MICHAEL: The radios?  

CLAYWOMAN: It’s a courtesy to my friend Monica, who can’t seem to figure out technology of any kind and would otherwise be just sitting there in silence. So, I got these tap-powered radio receivers that are tuned into a great show about licenses that she just loves. I just have to keep tapping, otherwise the signal will break and she’ll be very upset.  

MICHAEL: That seems like a lot of work.

CLAYWOMAN: It’s not really. I probably should resent it but the amount of effort it takes to tap my finger is much less than we’d all have to expend if Monica had to confront silence. 

MICHAEL: I see…

CLAYWOMAN: If you do see, it’s best not to look too closely. 

MICHAEL: At which thing?

CLAYWOMAN: See, that’s it. You don’t want to focus enough to know which thing. Keep it blurry and you’ll be entertained and at the same time, spared details that could weigh you down.  

MICHAEL: That seems like generally good advice. You seem so wise - what other pieces of advice can you impart on the Buds readers?

CLAYWOMAN: If there is any way you can acquire one that won’t dissipate, get a cloud. 

MICHAEL: What you’re saying, in general, is...

CLAYWOMAN: Wait.  

MICHAEL: What?

CLAYWOMAN: Hold your horses.

MICHAEL: Ok…

CLAYWOMAN: Are you holding them?

MICHAEL: I think so.

CLAYWOMAN: Fantastic. Alright, I’d like you to let one of them go. The red one.

MICHAEL: *pauses* Ok, she’s gone.

CLAYWOMAN: It’s sad, isn’t it? But it also seems right, doesn’t it?

MICHAEL: It does, actually.  

CLAYWOMAN: I think if you can do that once a week or so, you’ll be fine.  

MICHAEL: Thank you Claywoman!

CLAYWOMAN: Anytime. Well, I must be going. 

MICHAEL: Where will you be going now?

CLAYWOMAN: Home to pack and get ready to come back to Earth.

MICHAEL: What a coincidence, I’m already here but I feel like that’s what I’m doing too.

CLAYWOMAN: This is what everyone is doing right now.

MICHAEL: It is, isn’t it?

CLAYWOMAN: It was a pleasure speaking with you today Michael. You seem very… familiar.

MICHAEL: Likewise, I hope we can chat again soon!

CLAYWOMAN: I’d like that. Good day to you now.